During several moments today, I thought, “Hmmm, maybe I’ll skip the blog post today.” You see, I’m not exactly having a day where I feel thankful and I didn’t want to just make something up because that’s not my character. On the other hand, I felt like I should push myself to find something to be thankful for today (in complete honesty, there are tons of things that we may easily overlook). So this back and forth had me twisted all day. I was trying to think of a list: I’m alive, I have a house, I have a loving family…see, there are things. Yet inside, I just wasn’t feeling it, and this is why….
Today I felt like a complete Wife/Mother failure. Nothing seemed to be going right and the day mainly consisted of Little One screaming/crying and my head pounding while the dog barked at the never-ending wind that’s been whipping around outside. Little One and I didn’t have too much to accomplish today, which lead to me feeling like even more of a loser-mom. Why couldn’t I get it together!?!? Meanwhile, my husband went to work before we were even awake and he had been working all day long, while battling a new sickness. Wife-failure Exhibit A. My husband had so much more on his plate today, and yet I felt so stressed and annoyed with being home. DON’T get me wrong! Being a stay-at-home-mom has been the greatest blessing of my life (next to marrying Habibi and giving birth to Little One), and yet today I was so annoyed with every aspect of it. You’ve read about it before, but it’s one thing to read it and another thing to live it. My son is a rocket of energy (which I adore), but today I was drained. I couldn’t catch my thoughts. I was bustling around doing laundry, cleaning up, preparing a meal for a lady who just had a baby, cooking our dinner, feeding Little One, fighting him to take a nap because Sir Bark-A-Lot was on a rampage and so much more. Let alone the mommy-battle of being able to go to the bathroom in peace, or getting to do something simple like brush your hair or put on deodorant. To top it all off, I’m (still) trying to beat Mr. Cold and so I feel like I ran into a wall due to exhaustion and general discomfort. Being a mom is very hard and I often wish I had a strong support network around me so that I could get a break once in a while. I apparently have a personality that leads people around me to believe that I have everything together and so I don’t need any help at all, and so no one ever comes by to help. It is challenging. Some days I dream of living in the 1800’s when families lived all in the same area and you could easily beckon the help of your mother, sister, aunt, cousin, anyone. So the day advances with more crying and screaming as Little One can’t figure out if he wants to play, or dance, or be held. In his defense, he is going through teething right now with his molars, so these are not his typical behaviors. And THAT made it even worse! He can’t help how he is feeling today and I am not being good enough at this mom thing to simply understand that fact. I mean, I do understand it, but it wasn’t enough to keep me from feeling annoyed inside. I would tell myself, “It’s just teething. He can’t help it that it hurts and he is cranky.” Then at the same time I just want to scream, “Stop crying!” (Which thankfully I did not do because then I would feel even worse.) Many, many, long, long hours later (they always feel longer on these days), my husband comes home. And I crash and burn again! (When will I get ahold of myself!) My husband was sick, hungry, tired and stressed, so when he asked what was wrong, I unloaded (Duh! Wrong move.) I know in my mind that he is being overworked and that he does all he can to support our family, so I
should not feel so defensive when he asks about the day. Yet somehow, when you’ve been in a house all day with a screaming toddler, it’s hard to respond in a mature manner (at least it was for me today). So, that concluded me failing at Wifehood and Motherhood today. I took the meal to the lady and her family, while toting Little One along and then
proceeded home to feed the both of us dinner. This is when my genuine thankful moment steps in. After finishing dinner, my husband comes down from working on his studies (Cause working two jobs isn’t enough, this wild man is also doing his graduate studies! Jeepers, I love him!) and takes Little One upstairs and I (very gratefully!) get an hour to myself (i.e. cleaning, putting away food, and then working on writing cards to people). Even though there was still a long list of wife/mom things to do during that hour, I still truly appreciated it. Especially because he gave me this time, when I was grouchy towards him and when I know he has so much work to get done himself. Knowing he gave that sacrifice made it even more valuable beyond what my words on a screen can convey.
So after wife and mom failures all day long and feeling like I did not even want to think of the word “thankful,” by the end of the day, I truly had something to be thankful for from the depths of my heart!
Ahmeli… that we acknowledge when we are too hard on ourselves and that we embrace opportunities for help when others present the offer. Additionally, that we search for ways to help someone who is having an I Failed type of day.
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